Boo loved Ellen. For good reason; Ellen is freaking hysterical. And Boo single handedly introduced pretty much our entire town to her hilarity. Her stand up special The Beginning was probably his favorite. We watched it dozens of times. It was not at all unusual for him, or any of us who knew him and loved Ellen through him, to lapse into random Ellen quotes.
“Is it peas?”
“THE BANGS!”
If those don’t make you smile, you need to watch The Beginning, and they will.
This is how I have been when it comes to writing for Urban Earthworm lately. Though in a little bit more depressed manner. I want to write. I have 1,000 ideas. I just can’t get them out there. The motivation is entirely lacking.
I am not recovered from Boo’s death. I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think I want to be. I’m sure I’ll gradually become more and more functional until I’m back to the ridiculous levels I was before, but I will never be the same person I was. It’s not possible to be me without Boo. He was half of my life. Not the way MacGyver is, but just as significantly, Boo was half of my life. And it still doesn’t feel right to be moving forward in time without him.
It doesn’t feel right to be writing articles about composting and healthy kitchen tips when the funniest, most caring person I have ever met is gone. It’s like trying to plant seeds after the sun has gone out. Beautiful days are not as pretty as they were. Funny books have lost some of their joy. My children have lost the Uncle who would have nurtured them and made them laugh and gotten them into no end of trouble. And there is no one else. He was it.
For some reason I worry that people will take my feelings about losing Boo as some sort of slight to MacGyver. For some reason I have attracted some scathingly critical readers who pay WAY too much attention to my personal life and like to make incorrect assumptions and try to meddle in really weird ways.
I love my husband. He is an amazing man. We are unbelievably complimentary. He is my partner in life. We’ve been married for 4 years, lived together for 5, and our first date was 3 years before that, and I STILL look forward to seeing him every day when I head home from work. We still get together for lunch every chance we get – which is usually several days a week. We still carry on like newlyweds in many ways.
Last night, we cooked dinner together. Tonight we’re tag-teaming parent teacher conferences for both our kids. I love my husband.
But he is not my brother. He doesn’t understand our childhood the way Boo did – the way only Boo could. He can’t remind me of hilarious things that happened on family trips. In many ways, MacGyver knows me better than anyone else, but not the way Boo did. No one will ever know me the way Boo did.
Well, this wasn’t supposed to disintigrate into a mourning post. The point of this post is to say that I’m still here. I have so many posts bopping around in my head that they’re crowding out other things. But when I open a window to write a post, I just stare blankly at it for a little while before defaulting to Facebook.
Speaking of which, if you haven’t yet liked Urban Earthworm on Facebook, please do. I’ve been using that page a lot lately as a way to stay connected even though I can’t seem to write a post. Please drop by and say hi. I’ve got lots of interesting stories up over there!
I set out writing this post just to include some random odds and ends of what’s been going on with us lately, but even that is fizzling out now that I’m getting down to it. Let’s see what I can come up with:
Our four year anniversary was last week. I was surprised with flowers and chocolates left in my office over lunch (which took some coniving on MacGyver’s part since I was on my way to have lunch with him). Earlier in the month, we took a lovely anniversary trip to Traverse City, MI. We visited a few vinyards and had some amazing vegan food at a few places. By far our favorite vinyard was this tiny little completely unpretentious organic (and coincidentally vegan) vinyard called Good Neighbor.
We’ve gone to museums and geo-caching. We’ve been on many, many family walks. Our corn died while we were away and the back garden is completely overrun with weeds, but we’re still getting some veggies here and there. I’d like to put in a fall planting of spinach and a few other things (check out the Facebook page for more on this), but I’m wondering when we’ll find time. I’ve still been coming up with new and delicious healthy dishes with Ethical Eating incorporated. I’ve posted one. I would post more, but I want to get some substantive posts up in between the recipes. My jaw surgery is looming. I have a million things to say about that, but for now I’m going to refrain. I’m on the range next week. I have to qualify with an RCO on my M16 this time around. When it comes to semi-automatic weapons, I’m an old fashioned kind of girl,and I perfer iron sights. I’m not excited to go to the range. The range sucks anyway. Showing up at 4 am just to mill around aimlessly waiting for people to figure out what the hell is going on like they’ve never done this before. Sitting in the Southern sun and humidity all day for a cumulative hour of firing time. Fun. And six million other things. I really wanted to make this a good post. I wanted to talk about a bunch of stuff. But the work day has come to an end and I’d really rather spend the evening with my husband and kids than try to force anything more into what is really just a post to prove that I haven’t given up blogging completely. Perhaps I’ll provide you all with something better next week…. 
Hugs to you! Your true readers never doubted your love for Macgyver at all! Mean people suck and they need to worry about their own lives.
(And that sandwich looks delicious!)
To Those That Meddle: Back Off! Everyone grieves differently. Everyone has different relationship connections to the people in their lives. Back Off!
To The UrbanEarthWorm: I’m with you. Every Step.
Take all the time you need, hon. We’ll be here when you come back. <3
(And feel free to email or whatever anytime. :))
These things take time. Stay safe.
Take your time. Any faithful followers of yours will still be here. 🙂