Cyber Bullying

(This quote is actually miscredited, but it’s still very true)

      Cyber bullying and “slut shaming” among teens have been big in the news lately, but these issues are not exclusive to adolescents.  I am stepping away from the green theme for a moment to discuss something that I see affecting the sustainability of our society from a psychological standpoint.

      Cyber bullying is the act of youths harassing other youths online, often ruthlessly, through sites like Facebook and Twitter (though other sites and email can be used as well).  This can involve open insults, public sharing of embarrassing tales (real or fake), or threats.  “Slut shaming” is one particularly vicious and misogynistic version of cyber bullying which involves exposing the real or falsified sexual acts of girls and young women online.  The most vicious cases often involve pictures or videos posted by boys/young men these girls had relationships with.  Many of these cases have resulted in suicide for the harassed person.

      These acts are resulting in the deaths of children.  This is gravely serious and it is an epidemic in our schools.  Correction: It is an epidemic in our society.  Sadly, I have seen a recent influx of adult clients suffering the same bullying our youth are suffering (though, for the record, in adults it is called cyber harassment or cyberstalking).

      This is ridiculous and it is out of hand.  And too many people are simply waiving it off.  Too many people believe this is a problem “other people” have.  MY daughter would never be caught in such a compromising position.  MY child would never say such mean things.  MY friend would never harass someone online.  This sort of thing doesn’t happen to people like ME. 

        And people don’t really want to talk about it.  We’ll talk about the very sad cases that make the news.  We’ll gossip about ridiculous shows like Catfished (which I’m somewhat proud to say I hadn’t even heard of until a couple weeks ago – liberate yourself from you TV!).  But my clients who are being harassed and stalked, who feel like they have nowhere to turn, they’re not talking about this openly.  Because it’s mortifying.  Children who are being cyberbullied are avoiding being the “snitch” or drawing any more attention to whatever embarrassing thing was posted about them online.

       I have written and spoken before about being a survivor of domestic abuse and rape, and hearing the stories of others can be cathartic and empowering.  So I figured maybe opening up the communication on this topic would be a good place to start:

        I am a Marine, a lawyer, a professional.  I am a mother and a wife.  And I have been the intended target of cyber harassment attempts – adult cyber bullying.

      For a period of over two years, there was a person who was on some sort of twisted mission to discredit me and interfere in my marriage.  I am lucky in that I can call this an attempt at cyber harassment since this individual was either fairly incompetent or not particularly devoted to their little vendetta against me and was a complete and total failure, but still the attempt was made and it was very disturbing.

      This person sent “anonymous” emails and postings from several different pseudonyms attempting to convince my husband that I was unfaithful or accusing me or him of very odd and childish acts.  Every single one of the allegations was completely false, and our marriage was probably made stronger for having weathered this silliness.  It didn’t hurt that this person was too ignorant to mask their IP address or come up with a pseudonym that didn’t reflect their personality.

      The emotional trip that this experience took me on started with confusion.  Many people I know who have experienced cyber harassment were being harassed by exes or people they knew personally.  The person who was obsessed with my husband and I was someone I had extremely few ties to and knew very little about.  I have been told by individuals who know this person better than I do that something about my success seemed to infuriate this other person.  I had a personal blog (that I have since discarded) which this person felt was “rubbing my happiness in their face.”  It caused me to look at myself and wonder if I was presenting a false face or bragging about my life. 

      I wasn’t.  I was and am very happy.  I have worked my proverbial butt off to achieve what I have, and I still work very hard.  And not only that, but I work very hard to help others.  I am happy with my life, and I embrace that.  The more information was funneled to me about this other person’s antics and tirades about me, the more confusion turned to disdain.  Who was this person, who knew so very little about me, to try to tear down my reputation?  Who was this person who had “made their own bed” or “dug their own hole,” so to speak, to say anything about me?  And WHY did they care? 

       For a period of time, this person’s obsession became so strong and antics became so persistent and ridiculous that an element of fear appeared.  I consulted with a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and several other attorneys and was strongly advised to take legal and protective action against this person.  I didn’t want to escalate the situation, though.  It seemed so stupid and childish.  This little immature person banging on the glass of my life trying to get my attention, trying to get my husband’s attention.  They had caused me no actual harm, and I just wanted to be the bigger person and move on.  The contacts continued, though.

      And my anger started to build into an unflattering cattiness.  I wanted to strike back and tell this person I knew exactly what they were doing and that everyone around them found their little psychotic obsession rather pathetic.  I wanted to sling insults.  I wanted to slut shame.  I did cave on occasion and respond in negative ways (though I did not engage in slut shaming or any cyber bullying – my comments were verbal and nearly always to people who didn’t know the guilty party).

      The book Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life by Karen Armstrong brought be back to maturity.  This person who could not seem to leave me alone;  this person who devoted so much time to picking at my happiness; this person who had so many skeletons in their own closet – was obviously suffering.  Obsession and anger of this kind clearly stem from insecurity and unhappiness.  My anger shifted to compassion.  I felt sorry for this person, for the pain they must feel, for their inability to move on with their life, for their inability to let go of a ruined past.  I have many faults and hangups but I have never had a problem moving forward.  I can’t imagine how maddening it must be to be stuck, immobile and insignificant, in the past.  And just as I let go of my anger, the problem began to dissolve.  The picking was still there, but it no longer registered with me at all, and for quite a while now I’ve considered it over.  I have changed many of my accounts and don’t even know if that person is still trying their antics.  I haven’t even spoken to any of the third parties who witnessed this person’s antics in a very long time.

       My story and my experience with cyber bullying/cyber harassment is not dramatic.  In the story of my life, it’s barely even a blip.  It was like a papercut that persisted for a while.  But I know that I am lucky in that.  Because I counsel people very often whose experiences are much worse.  People whose lives have been measurably impacted by their bullies.  People who feel powerless to defend themselves, to fight back, or to move on because their bullies are causing real harm and real shame.

       And it makes me worry about our society.  It makes me sad to know that there are that many grown adults hiding behind the false anonymity of a computer screen sending such real and devastating negativity into the world as easily as they would play a computer game.  It makes me sad that these people don’t feel what they are doing.  One can hide behind a computer and not feel the violence that they are perpetrating.  One can try to tear down another person and still remove themselves from the act.  There are so many grown adults too cowardly to confront those they take issue with face-to-face who instead contribute to a society that accepts slander as a norm and the spreading of lies and shame as a non-issue.

       I, for one, choose to be a grown up.  I choose to set an example of compassion and dignity for my children, and for anyone else who cares to look.  Because the cyber bullying atrocities that are taking place in the schools will never stop so long as we adults are letting this go on between us.

       Watch out for your children.  Set an example for them and own your life.  And if you are a victim of this most cowardly kind of bullying, know that you are not alone.

Please read this very insightful article on “Shaming” in our schools.

For more information on Cyber Bullying, check out Stop Cyber Bullying.